


Starfish Papa

by Thuglein



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, I don't mean to offend anyone, M/M, Manipulation, Unbeta'd, Underage - Freeform, anything else I missed, man goes crazy and rips off shirt during street interview, silliness, what was I on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-02-23
Packaged: 2018-03-14 17:48:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3419939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thuglein/pseuds/Thuglein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This involves sex at church, kind of. It's been a while since I wrote this. Be warned, the video in the a/n will help A LOT when it comes to understanding this. Because really, it makes no sense otherwise. And it's only 2 minutes and 44 seconds of your life. But eh, do what you want. And all the usual disclaimers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Starfish Papa

**Author's Note:**

> This is a mash of my eruri crack and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXwRgnZ990I

Father Erwin clicked his tongue and looked at the troublemaker before him. The boy had on a petulant pout that—that, dare he say, was cute—and was slumped against the chair. "Young man, what's your name. Do not worry you are not in trouble for desecrating holy ground. I just want to understand why you would do such a thing on church property."

 

The boy peered up at him with a smirk on his face. "My name? Oh, let me tell you my name—I'm CONFUSED. Because we're supposed to believe in the ministry right?"

 

Erwin scrunched his caterpillar eyebrows in surprise. Well he supposes he'll go along with this for now. The boy was really cute. He internally sighed. He can already feel his attraction to the boy. Here he was trying to atone for his since of being a child molester and out pops a sinfully delectable ravenette out of the plumpy blue. He hummed his acknowledgement and waited for the boy to go on.

 

"Is the church and state supposed to be separate? I'm confused because I never went to school. The state didn't let poor kids like me receive education. But the church preaches that all children should be educated. Then there are all these rumors about pedophilic vampires in the ministry and well I REALLY needed to pee."

 

The blond priest blinked. OK. "Surely you could have found another place to relieve yourself? What was going through your head? As for education…where do you live that prevents you going to school? We are in the modern age right now, there are no such thing as vampires and the ministry employs strict rules of conduct."

 

The raven gave a cheeky grin and crossed his two index fingers together, holding up a cross. "Here is cross—two sticks. This is how I felt when I was in Waterlooo—that's where I live by the way—because when I walked in Waterloo and smiled at people, they treated me like a vampre. They used a cross and went like this—" he held up the cross higher, "—by not smiling at me."

 

Well, he could see why they would think that. The boy did have an ever-present glare on his delicate face. As for this "Waterloo", he'd never heard of the place before. "And what  exactly does this have to do with the church?"

 

The boy looked at him as if he were the stupidest thing that ever existed. Instead of upsetting him, Erwin felt incredibly turned on by it. He took a shuddering breath to calm himself down. Unknown to him, the raven noticed and had a smirk on his face.

 

"Does the ministry not protect citizens from vampires? I came here to be cleansed. I was told that peeing on the graves of aborted infants would help me make friends."

 

To say Father Erwin was shocked was an understatement. This boy was really deranged. "That is not true, young man. Whoever told you this is obviously a heretic bent against the church."

 

The boy snorted and stood up, stepping closer to Erwin. "Yes, of course, _Starfish Papa."_

 

Erwin stepped back in shock. How did this kid know that name? He thought he had left that name behind with his past with _Titan_ , the whorehouse famous for their impossibly large penises (he being one of those impossibly large penises). He looked more closely at the boy and noticed that he was actually older than he appeared, closer to his own age in fact.

 

"You can't be old enough to get admittance to _Titan_."

 

The boy—no, man, huffed and puffed his chest out in an adorable fashion. "I'll have you know that I'm already 26."

 

Erwin stared in disbelief. "Really? You look like you're 12."

 

"What!? How would you think that."

 

"Oh, well, you're pretty short and baby-faced so…" His voice faded when murderous rage filled the raven's steel-gray eyes.

 

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME SHORT YOU LITTLE BITCH. I'M GOING TO TELL THE CHURCH ON YOU."

 

Erwin's eyes widened in horror, then in psychotic malice. He couldn't let that happen! He had his career as a future priest and a beautiful fiancée by the name of Hange Zoe. "Who the fish are you to say that? I'm going to ill you!" He lunged at the man and tried to grab him but he nimbly dodged and laughed.

 

"I'm NOBODY. How can you kill someone with NO BODY. HAHAHAHAA!" He dashed around the small room and tripped Erwin. He quickly s ton top og the blonde priest, preventing him from getting up. He leaned down and whispered erotically in the priest's ear.

 

"I'm going back to Waterloo, where the vampires hang out. And I'm going where sunglasses at night. Do you know why?"

 

Erwin froze, so turned on by that sultry voice. He managed to shake his head slowly after a bit of hard breathing.

 

The raven smiled and whispered in a dark, lusty tone, "Because women show their tits, have short skirts, and then they feel violated when I look at them."

 

Ewrin's breath hitched as images of the man riding him came to his mind with floating breasts in the background singing _Alleluia_. OH, he was so painfully hard.

 

He suddenly felt the weight of the man lift off of him and he glances up in time to see him reach the door. Before leaving, the raven smirked at Erwin and said, "Oh, and when we next meet and you're moaning under me as you thrust deeper and deeper inside…call my name…call Levi." With that, Father Erwin was left alone, dazed on the floor.

 

~eruri~

 

Levi quickly headed back to meet his friend in the woods. He spots her dissecting a small rabbit by the stream. The sun glints off her glasses, making her look even more sinister. She looks up as he approaches and smiles widely at him. "Levi! You're back! So? How did it go?"

 

He looks at the carcass distastefully and is carefully to avoid any of the gore. How dirty. " _Starfish Papa_ is wonderfully amusing. It went just like you said. Though, Hange, I never expected your future husband to be so fucking sexy."

 

Hange laughed gleefully, bordering on maniacal. "It's such a waste of good yaoi to let him marry a woman. He's such good seme material!"

 

Levi snorted and rolled his eyes at her fangirling. "And so why, pray tell, are you engaged to him?"

 

She looked at him and gave a small chuckle. "Well, I obviously can't just let him fall into any other woman's hands before he can fully accept that he is gay! Why, do you have  problem with him?"

 

"Of course not, he's perfect. I mean, he's so damn _clean_ and put together. This is the first time I've wanted to dirty something. "

 

"Well, at least now you have a way to get back at all those people in the ministry who turned you into a wanton whore as a child by taking aways their perfect poster boy."

 

There was a dark gleam in his eye as Levi said, "All those people who called me a sleepwalker…I woke up…now I'm going back to sleep…and allow the ministry to perceive me as I am…a FUCK UP."

 

His friend just shook her head and continued to play with the rabbit carcass. She looked up at the sky and grinned. "GOODBYE."

 

~eruri~

 

Erwin looked around in wonder. So this was Waterloo. Last time he was here, it was called Maria. It was a shithole when he worked at _Titan_. Now, it looked like New York Manhattan. Where were the bums? Last time he checked, this place created bums. He headed to where he remembered his old job was. Instead of a suspicious looking building with rotting windows and a flickering sign spelling _Titan_ , a classy bar called _Recon Corpse_ stood, all sparkly-like.  He was surprised to see Levi behind the counter, cleaning cups and wearing sunglasses, even though it was pretty dim inside. He slowly walked up the the bar.

 

"Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Priest."

 

Erwin glared at the smaller male. "I would like to talk to you…in private."

 

"Well, now, someone moves fast. Follow me." Levi carefully puts down the glass he was cleaning and walked through a door that said "employees only". Erwin followed behind closely.

 

Suddenly, he was pushed against the wall and fondled at his crotch. He easily lifts Levi up and the shorter man automatically wraps his legs around the blonde's waist. The fight for dominance with their tongues, slurping and licking and biting with saliva dripping out. It was a messy kiss. Without keeping track of how they got there, the two were in a small lounge.

 

Erwin fell down on one of the couches, still cradling Levi. They quickly get rid of their clothes. Levi sticks a finger in his hole, moaning. He sticks another on, impatient to impale himself on Erwin.

 

Oh, to hell with it. He grabs Erwin's cock, squeezing slightly and watches the precum dribble out of the head.

 

"Le…vi…uhn…ahh…yesssss"

 

Encouraged by the sounds pouring out of the priest's mouth, Levi positions the large cock at his entrance. It was incredibly large, with pulsating veins and a healthy hot pink. It was glorious. He slowly pushed it in.

 

With a deep breath, he quickly slams his ass down, earning a long moan from Erwin. "Fuck, Levi, that was…ahh, sudden…"

 

Levi just laughed. After waiting a few seconds, he starts bouncing up and down, with the help of Erwin gyrating his hips up. Levi didn’t even need to aim for his spot because Erwin was just so _big_ that every time he brought himself down, the oversized dick slammed into it and made him so full.

 

~eruri~

 

In the afterglow, they lay there, breathing hard. Levi lay atop Erwin. He lifted his head up and looked at his now-lover. "Ay, yo, _Starfish Papa_ , your dick is huge. It's probably be used as a third arm. Haha."

 

Erwin frowned. He was sensitive about his penis side. He wished it was smaller. Feeling a little vengeful, he shot back, "Well, yours is really small and cute…just like your height." He grinned at the scowling Levi.

 

His little lover stood up and glared at him. "Well fuck you too Erwin." With that, he left, butt naked, out of the door. Erwin sighed. He should go after him and apologize. But he was so tired. He'll apologize later. He closed his eyes. Suddenly, he felt an excruxiating pain from his right arm. He opened his eyes, only to see Levi holding a giant box-cutter dripping with his blood and his severed arm.

 

"W-what the fish are you doing!?"

 

Levi had a strange gleam in his eye as he said, "I'm going to cut off all your limbs and see how you like it being short. Then I'm going to let you bleed. You're going to die. Then I'll keep your head in my freezer to remember you and you'll forever be mine."

 

Erwin stared for a moment then laughed. Bewildered, Levi demanded to know what was so funny. The blonde priest grinned creepily and said, "How can I die when I'm already DEAD? Oh, wait a second, I'm going to be crucified." As he said this, a new arm began to grow back from the bloody stump. Soon there was a full arm, as if it was never chopped off.

 

Levi stared in disbelief and shock. "H-how????"

 

Erwin pulled Levi into a hug and then looked him in the eyes and said, "You know, there's a reason why they call me _Starfish_ Papa. Talk to the Pope. He knows everything."

**Author's Note:**

> This is a mash of my eruri crack and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXwRgnZ990I


End file.
